Reflections
by JoolsFan
Summary: Vignette. Maria's thoughts on the night before her wedding.


**Disclaimer:**

The Sound of Music is property of 20th Century Fox films. I don't own it. Just having fun.

**A/N:**

This vignette has taken me forever, and it wouldn't have been possible without two people:

Emartin, thank you for betaing - a long time ago. This story is about the beginning of a new life, which is why I dedicate it to little Ben. I wish you love and happiness.

Imnotacommittee, thank you for looking at it again, and again. You raised points that helped me make this what I wanted it to be, and I couldn't have done it without you.

**REFLECTIONS**

I thank Sister Margaretta and close the door behind her. She has shown me to a room in the guest quarters. It feels a little strange, being back in the abbey without staying in my old room. However, I know I don't belong there – here – anymore. That is a part of my life that is over, and my new life has yet to begin. For one night, I am between my old world and my new, and the guest bedroom is a fitting place for me to be.

I sit down on the narrow bed and take in my surroundings. One of the sisters has brought my bag here while I was speaking with the Reverend Mother, and it is sitting on the floor by the bed. The only other items of furniture in the tiny room are a simple desk with a straight-backed wooden chair, and a small wardrobe. A clothes bag is hanging off the side of it, and I realise that my wedding dress is in there. I haven't had time to think much in the last few days, but sitting here alone looking at the covered dress, the reality that tomorrow is my wedding day finally sinks in.

Not for the first time today, I feel a flutter in my throat. I take a few deep breaths, trying to calm my breathing and ease my mind, but it seems I cannot think clearly. Suddenly, my head is spinning. I look around for something to focus my attention on, but the bare room offers no distraction. The nerves, which started to make their presence felt over dinner, will not allow themselves to be repressed anymore.

I love Georg, and I love the children. There is not a doubt in my mind about that. But I can't help feeling a little overwhelmed at times. A few months ago, I was a postulant with hardly a relative in the world. Tomorrow, I will be the wife of Georg and the mother of seven. I loved being these children's governess and I will love being their mother. But I feel the short engagement period went by so quickly, that none of us has had time to truly understand what is about to happen. The relationship I have with the children has begun to change a little ever since I became engaged to their father, and when I am their mother, it will not be the same as when I was their governess. This family, which has been through so much already, will have to adjust to me as a wife and mother, and I will have to settle into my new place with them.

It may be strange for the children to realise that suddenly, they have a new mother again. Especially the older ones, who remember their mother well. During the time when Georg was in Vienna, I had a wonderful talk with Liesl about her mother. I could tell from her words that Agathe was a loving, caring, and intelligent person. Now that I will not be her governess but her new mother, I hope Liesl will still feel comfortable to talk to me about Agathe. I hope she will realise that I do not want to replace her mother. I just want to love and guide Agathe's children with everything I have to give.

And Georg... Will I be able to give him all that he needs from his wife? I feel overawed by the love he has for me. I've never felt loved, or even worthy of being loved before, and it is a strange, but wonderful idea to get used to. I know that all he needs from me is to love him in return, and that is something I am capable of doing. I assure myself that indeed the power of love will provide me with all I need. Our love will help me fulfil his needs of me as his wife, mother to his children, his friend, and his lover.

The last idea makes me shudder, and I feel a sudden flash of heat spread over my face as I think about tomorrow night. A little earlier, the Reverend Mother mentioned my wedding night when I was talking to her. It was the first time I've ever seen a slight moment of hesitation in her. She described what will take place tomorrow as my duty to my husband. I know she must have noticed that I wasn't listening. I kept my eyes on her face while she talked, but my mind was somewhere else.

All I could think of while the Reverend Mother talked, was the way Georg makes me feel when he kisses me. They way he makes my heart race and my stomach flutter just by looking into my eyes. We have done nothing to be ashamed of, but still I was glad she did not ask any questions when she must have noticed that my face became flushed. How could I have explained that I could not bring myself to think of tomorrow night as a duty? Simply kissing Georg already makes me dizzy, and I long for the moment when we will be able to love each other completely, both our minds and bodies becoming one. I have already bared my soul to Georg, and tomorrow, I will give him my body as well.

Yet, I am slightly anxious, too. Our embraces never crossed the boundaries of what was appropriate, but I felt something lingering just below the surface: a fiery passion waiting to get out, like a dam ready to burst. Will I not be totally overwhelmed by it once it is released completely? I can hardly remember to breathe when he so much as looks at me. My own passions are a mystery to me and it is somewhat alarming. And that's not all that troubles me. Will I know what to do? I mean – I am not ignorant, I know what goes on between men and women once they are married – but I am afraid I will be so confused by my mixed emotions that all rational thought will desert me and I'll be left clueless of what to do.

As if to tell me it will be alright, my mind unconsciously wanders back to yesterday, our last evening in the villa before the wedding. We sat together by the lake until late. Then Georg walked me to my bedroom door, and as we said goodnight he held me tightly, and we kissed more passionately than any time before. As I remember it, I can still feel the burning trace his lips left on my face, I can feel my skin tingle where his hand travelled from my cheek down to my neck. I bring my hand up to touch my face, very lightly, only a memory, an echo of his touch. My fingers hardly touch my skin as I lower my hand, tracing the path his hand followed along my jaw, my neck, and my collarbone.

My skin tingles and I feel a fluttering in my stomach as I remember the way he looked at me when he drew back from our embrace. He smiled when he saw how breathless he'd left me, and I realised I wanted the sensations to continue. I pulled him closer to me, burying my face in his neck. I needed more, and yet at the same time, I was glad he had found the self control to stop. I blush, unsure if I would have been able to find that control.

But as I remember his loving touch, an assuring feeling comes over me. Suddenly, I know I can trust him to be gentle and guiding, like he has been over the past weeks. I will put myself in his hands, and I know I will be safe there. And tomorrow, there will be no need to stop.

I swallow hard and realise my face has become flushed once again. If I want to get any sleep tonight, I need to clear my head, and I decide to take a shower. The warm water has always soothed me before, so I get up and rummage through my bag for my nightgown and robe.

Within minutes, I've stepped under the beam of water, and I feel my muscles relax as I stand still, breathing deeply. The hot water envelops me like a protective cocoon, and I feel my nerves washing away from me.

Again, I think of Georg, and I can see his face in my mind as clearly as if he were standing in front of me, and I feel a warmth spread inside of me as I realise how much I love him. We nearly missed our chance of being together by denying our love, and I will be forever grateful that we found each other just in time.

I try to think of how it began, but I don't even know when I started loving him. Nor do I know when I started fighting it. How do you realise you are resisting something, when you don't even know that that something is there in the first place? But when we danced – I knew. I thought that I could keep my feelings to myself, hide them, fight them. They were inappropriate and wrong. I had not been sent to the villa to fall in love with the Captain – it was not my place to love him, or to ask for his love. I had no idea what to do.

Then the Baroness came to my room, and told me that the Captain was in love with me, too. What else was there to do for me but leave? I had been sent to prepare the children for a new mother – not to fall in love with their father. But when I left, I was confused and guilty. I was abandoning the children, and I thought I had failed the mission God had sent me upon, to prepare them for a new mother. I didn't understand then that I had simply misunderstood the mission itself.

When I was back at the abbey, I prayed, I cried, I prayed again, I turned my thoughts over and over in my mind. It was not my place to love him, but the longer I knew that I did, the harder it became to repress my feelings. As the days passed, it became more difficult to be away from the Captain and the children. And then, the Reverend Mother made me see that maybe, God had a certain plan for me outside of the abbey, and she sent me back to the villa.

The first few hours after my return were so awkward I was certain I should never have come back. But then the Captain came to talk to me in the gazebo. And when the Captain – Georg –declared his love for me too, it seemed that the floodgates had been opened. There was no suppressing it any longer, I was washed over with love, a wave that seemed to build higher and higher. I have never felt this much love, I have never felt so loved, and I know that the feeling will only grow in the years to come. It seems I have entered a whole new world, where the colours are brighter and the senses stronger. Never before have I experienced the safety and happiness that I feel when I am at home with Georg and the children. I have found my place in life.

Feeling better, I turn off the water and step out of the shower. As I reach for a towel, I notice that the guest bathroom has a mirror. None of the other bathrooms in the convent do. The only mirror I ever saw here was the very small one in my room, just big enough to see what I was doing when combing my hair. Nuns don't need mirrors. Apparently, guests do. I start to wipe the condensation off, and as my face appears in the mirror, I absently drop my hand and stare at myself. The mirror reflects two blue eyes, an upturned nose, cheeks still rosy from the shower's warmth.

I never thought of myself as beautiful, but over the past weeks, Georg has told me more than once that he thinks I am. Strangely enough, when he says it, I believe it. I look again, trying to see myself through his eyes. As I observe my own features, I notice I have changed since I first left the abbey to go to the villa. Something about the look in my eyes makes me understand what it is that he sees. There's an inner peace that I've never seen in my own face before. I know it is love I can see in my eyes, because it is what I see in his.

I realise that right there is all I need to rid myself of the last traces of nervousness. From a love that strong, I will draw all I need to be a wife and a mother, to start a new life.

From the moment he told me he loved me, I have become complete, and the change is visible in my countenance. I am still the same Maria – but I have found my path in life. And tomorrow, as I walk down the aisle in the church only yards from where I am now, I will walk toward him and we will seal our connection.

I sigh, suddenly feeling very peaceful, and I quickly get into my nightgown and robe. As I walk back to my room, I know I will be able to sleep well tonight. I have confidence to enter the new life that lies ahead of me, the life that I know I was born to live.

END


End file.
